Thursday, November 3, 2016

11 out of 22 aka The Second Grand Canyon Incident

I got 11 of my 22 things done before I turned 40 (exactly a month ago as of writing this). I'm calling that a success, though I am still working on most of the rest. I've decided that goats and llamas don't need the stress of me hugging them, but if I come across one in nature and it's down to snuggle, I'll oblige. Others are being delayed as changes come into my life and 'cause I am perpetually broke and can't afford fanciful things, even if they are on a list of things I want to do. And I'm still afraid of dentists.


THINGS I DID


  1. Go to the Grand Canyon
  2. Pick my nose at the Grand Canyon

In April, we (being my husband, my mother, and I) took a road trip o'er this way too damned big country to FINALLY go see the Grand Canyon, with a detour through Las Vegas. I'm still not terribly thrilled to be in a car almost 7 months later. 

In true Cheeseblarg fashion, "The Experiment" was in full swing and my mother, who is physically incapable of throwing up, contracted The Worst Stomach Flu Ever Known To Manand spent two days pooping her way through Utah and Nevada. I, of course, waited to get this flu from hell until we got to Arizona, at which point I became the sickest and saddest fountain of puke and poop, ever.




We had planned to be in town for two days because I was set to complete task 8, "Meet an internet friend in person" but work stuff made it so she couldn't make the drive from New Mexico, and I literally felt like I was dying. I knew I'd be back the next day, so my first moments of seeing the Grand Canyon were staggering out of our car, which was parked right along the edge of the canyon on a cold windy day and thinking, "Great, it's a huge fucking hole, can we go home now?"


Then I sat in the car and cried while my mom expressed 40 years worth of displeasure with me and my husband enjoyed exploring with his family who had driven up to meet us there. It was just as The Experiment would have had it.

The next day, I was dying just a little bit less and it was at least 42% more enjoyable. I still wanted to go home, but I did have the energy that day to pick my nose.

I had that flu for 5 days. Apparently, me and the Grand Canyon were just really not meant to be.

  1. Gamble in Las Vegas
  2. Pick my nose while gambling in Las Vegas
Before I became deathly ill, I actually had a really great time in Las Vegas. I managed to win 5 dollars on a cheeseburger themed slot machine, and then I lost 20ish dollars in quarters the rest of the time there. And I picked my nose.
I also ate a lot at the Bacchanal Buffet at Caeser's Palace, which you could see from our hotel room. We also had a bitchin' view of the Bellagio's fountains from our room so I could watch the fancy water show without having to be around humans I didn't know.


 I chose the Bacchanal Buffet, in part, because research told me it had the best desserts of all the buffets in Las Vegas. If I had had more money at my disposal, I would have wanted to do my own research, but I did make sure to get one of every dessert I could eat (keeping my allergies in mind) and tried all of them*. The best was actually a Thai rice pudding with a delicate coffee perfume that I still pine for.

(Starting at the top and going clockwise-ish) Fudge, cherry clafouti, chocolate lava
cake, lemon tart, red velvet brownie, toffee chocolate mousse pop, pecan pie.
(starting at the top going clockwise) Thai rice pudding, guava strawberry sorbet, 
tropical pineapple compote, flan, coconut tapioca pudding, creme brulee, 
oreo dome cake

*My mom and I shared them, 'cause even though most of them were small, I totally can't eat 14 desserts all by myself  (especially after eating Lobster Benedict) and I am too Jewish to waste so much food, just taking a bite of each.


  1. Read a new Stephen King book

Finishing out the Bill Hodges trilogy, I actually got this book in the mail from an otherwise anonymous woman named Becky, because it was a book I requested from The Bloggess's booksgiving, earlier this year. I look forward to more mystery/crime type novels from Stephen King. 

  1. Collect all the cats in Neko Atsume 
I managed this one on my actual birthday. I've been trying all this time but all the fancy cats decided to visit me to wish me a happy birthday. I'm certain of it.


  1. Vote for Bernie Sanders
While I didn't get to vote for him for President (because I'm not throwing away my shot vote), I totally did my primary duty. I wanted to take a picture to share, but I found out it was illegal in my state, so here is an artist's rendering:



  1. See the new Ghostbusters movie in the theater
  2. Pick my nose while watching the new Ghostbusters movie
I did, see this post: I Ain't Afraid of no Reboots!


  1. Write a short story
If you didn't see it, you haven't been paying attention: The Melancholy Princess

  1. Eat a fruit I've never had before
I started with Dragon Fruit and the image below is a summary of my feelings on this incredibly cool looking fruit.

For the most part, I'm pretty sure I've tasted all the best fruits (though I am holding out hope for mangosteen, which is incredibly hard to come by when you live in rural Montana). Moreover, there's a reason Dragon Fruit isn't as popular as apples and I don't think it's because it's tropical (see: Pineapples. Don't grow everywhere, still super popular because they are amazingly delicious.). I'm, of course, still open to new fruits. I had some awesome cotton candy grapes (that I had to peel to eat without a reaction), and the lychee was tasty but a little perfumey, but I'm totally giving up on Dragon Fruit. I just can't be down with a fruit that tastes like peppery water to me because pepper and I are not friends.




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Thursday, July 28, 2016

How Do You Spoon?

As the person who, for the last 20+ years has been in charge of my mother's computer fixing/helping/education, I take issue with this image that I'm sure we've all come across on Facebook:


It seems to make a good point, but  I taught my mom to copy and paste for the first time in about 1995. She's still not sure about it when she has to go from one document to another to paste. She freaks out when she has to attach a file or download a file. I guarantee you, if after 20 years, I still wasn't sure on the use of a spoon and I called her from college yelling at her that she broke my spoon when I was the one who just wasn't good with a spoon, she would yell at me just as much as I yell at her when I ask her for the 600th time, "WHERE DID YOU SAVE THE FILE!? NO! IN NOTEPAD ISN'T AN ANSWER! YOU CAN'T SAVE FILES IN A PROGRAM! THEY GO IN A FOLDER! WHERE IS THE FILE!!!!???"



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Thursday, July 21, 2016

I Ain't Afraid of No Reboots!

This post has no spoilers unless you think drawings of myself and characters from the movies are spoilers, then there are spoilers, but no details of the plot of the movie itself.


So, if you've been paying attention for any amount of time, you should know that I am a gigantic Ghostbusters fan. Unlike most of the people on the tubes, I was super looking forward to the release of the new Ghostbusters reboot, which should be clear since I made a goal of going to the movie AND picking my nose in said movie (which I totally achieved):

Artist's Rendering

I even made my own shirt for the occasion, which was the most obnoxious experience ever. I mean, who makes a t-shirt transfer that CAN'T BE WASHED *glares at Horizon Group USA*


If you want one, too, you can buy one by clicking the picture, because iron-ons are a pain in the ass (There are also stickers, mini skirts, and prints available). Or pledge a dollar or more on Patreon for access to the unwatermarked version to make your own if you enjoy ass pains.

But my thoughts on the movie...

I LOVED IT!

Now my nephew, who is the kid next to me in the picture above ignoring my finger in my nose, thought it was better than the original, but I quickly corrected him, because that is verging on blasphemy. But it was just as good, I think, and its own thing. 

Of course, there are many (cheek-bustingly delightful) references to the original, which I won't elaborate on, but it really is an entirely new thing which real fans of the movie (who don't have some weird principle against a universe being expanded -- or yucky girls) should absolutely love.
Love, love, love, love, love. And so far, all the fans I know are really feeling exactly that, so it is not just because I usually keep my expectations almost as low as they can go when it comes to media. That is to say, if I am entertained, I am willing to call something entertainment, but this was more than entertainment; it was a new and expanded look at a franchise that has been dear to my heart since I was 8 years old, and I think it will bring a new generation of 8-year-olds into the fray. I can't wait for more!

In the meantime, I'll just bring everyone I know to go see it, and draw fan art, and read all I can about it and fantasize about joining the crew!

 









Saturday, June 18, 2016

Why I am a careful and cautious driver.

The idea of getting in a car accident is horrifying to me because I only have like one pair of jeans that actually look good on me and I can't have people cutting them apart to keep me alive.


I think most people can relate to this, but when you're wearing plus-sized jeans and you're poor, it hits home even harder. Every time I watch a medical drama where they are cutting people's clothes off, I gasp in horror and consider only wearing sweatpants in my car from now on.







Tuesday, May 17, 2016

The Melancholy Princess (Part 5)

We're at the end of our story. If you're just joining us, it only makes sense to start at the beginning.

(Part One)
(Part Two)
(Part Three)
(Part Four)


The Melancholy Princess (Part 5- The End)

“Hello again.”
“Ivan,” she said, surprised by the man standing amongst the trees. “Do you live in these woods or something?”
He grinned. “You could say that. Come looking for your wolf again?”
“Yes,” she said. “I am worried about him.”
“Shall we look together today?”
“Fine,” she said. ‘Company wouldn’t be bad,’ she thought to herself.

They wandered through the woods looking for the wolf, talking. Ivan told her stories of hunting and silly jokes about dwarves. She smiled.

Coming to a clearing in the trees, the princess stopped short and gasped.

On the dappled ground lain a silvery wolf pelt.
“Wolf!” She cried, dropping to her knees beside the bundle of fur. Stroking the soft, cold coat, she began to cry.
“Don’t cry,” the voice drifted down to her. She blinked up at Ivan.
“Wolf?” She whispered.
“I’ll keep you company,” he said.
The princess looked up, eyeing the man before her.
“I’ll keep you company,” he repeated again, pulling the princess towards him, softly nuzzling her hair.

“But where were you?” She said, kissing his cheek. “Why did you go?”

“I ran deep into the forest to find an enchantress to turn me into a man so I might keep you company as long as you like. 

I know what it’s like to be sad, to be scared of nothing at all and everything at once,” he said, taking her into his arms. “You were the most melancholy princess I have ever seen, but your loneliness drew me in. I was lonely too. I promised I would keep you company and I meant it, but no respectable king would let his daughter marry a wolf and I could not bear to be kept as a pet. If you’ll have me, I’d gladly be your prince. I love you, princess.”
“I love you too, wolf.”
“Ivan,” he smiled.
“Prince Ivan,” she said. And she was never lonely again, except sometimes she was, but she always had company when she wanted it.


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The moral of the story is it's okay to fall in love with a wolf/dog after a day and want them to be your companion forever. With people, it's a little weird but sometimes it works. Especially if they used to be a wolf. Want to share the whole story at once? Click The Melancholy Princess at the top of this page.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

The Melancholy Princess (Part 4)

Continuing the story of a very lonely princess- please go read the first three parts because it is unbearably silly to start a story in the middle.


Don't forget to share the story, comment, and shower me with love. It might get the next (and final) part here early.


The Melancholy Princess (Part 4)


From the woods, she heard a rustling. “Wolf?!” she said, expectantly. A young man stepped out of the trees. 




“Oh.” She said dejectedly. “Have you seen a wolf in the woods?” He shook his head and grinned at her. “What?” she said, annoyed, though he was a fairly handsome young man dressed in nice enough clothes.
“I’m Ivan,” he said.
“Okay...” she said warily.
“Why are you looking for a wolf?” he said, “Most young girls look to avoid nasty beasts in the forest.”
She eyed him. “Not all wolves are nasty beasts.”
“Sorry,” he said sheepishly. “I’m Ivan.” He reached to shake her hand.
“Yes, you said that.”
“But you are here looking for a wolf,” he laughed. “Would you like me to help you find him?”
“No,” she said quickly. “But thank you,” she said remembering her manners. It really was nice of him to offer but she didn’t know him and she had things to do.
“Well, see you, then,” he said, smiling at her.


“Okay,” she said dismissively with a shake of her head and headed back towards the castle. 

That night, nestled in her warm luxurious bed, she had dreams of wolves and hunters and delicate pink and blue flowers. She awoke determined that she would go into the woods once more to find her wolf.

Thursday, May 5, 2016

The Melancholy Princess (Part 3)

Part three of five of my illustrated fairy tale. Read the first part here (Part one) and the second part here (part two). We'll wait.


The Melancholy Princess (Part Three)

They talked for a long time, about being a princess and being a wolf. They shared stories and laughed. It began to get late. Suddenly a noise came from the distant forest. The wolf jumped up, alert. The princess looked around. 



“They must have sent someone to look for me.” She said in a hush. “Can I meet you here again?” 
The wolf agreed and darted off into the woods.

The next day the princess woke in a much better mood. She dressed quickly and went to the kitchen to pack a basket of food for her walk. Since she had denied the wolf quite a breakfast in her, with her surly attitude the day before, she figured it was only fair. 



After her basket was full of delicious meats and cheeses and fresh cool water, she began her walk into the forest to meet with her new friend. She scanned all along the trees, looking for the wolf as she went. ‘I think this is where I was yesterday,’ she thought to herself, ‘perhaps wolves are not good with directions.’ She waited a long time but the wolf did not show up. Sadly, after a long while, she got up, leaving the basket, and walked back towards the castle.




The next morning she did not bother to get out of bed. Her father, the king, came in to check on her and she sent him away. Her stepmother, as all self-respecting princesses have stepmothers, came in next. She insisted that the princess get up and go for a walk to refresh herself. Begrudgingly, the princess got up, dressed and went dutifully for a walk. ‘Maybe,’ she thought to herself, “he didn’t really mean to stand me up.’ She walked on. ‘But what does a wolf have to do that he can’t meet up with a princess?’ She frowned.



Next part is up on Thursday morning, though you can get a sneak peek on Sundays at http://patreon.com/cheeseblarg with a pledge of just $4 a month (on months where I post 4 times) to support the blarg. Recently, pledges went to replacing my tablet pen so I can continue to illustrate posts.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

The Melancholy Princess (Part 2)

Here is the second part of my story, a fairy tale written for lonely princesses. If you missed the first part, you should go read it here, because... wait... why do I have to explain this? Things go in order for a reason. Go read it, we'll wait. Okay, ready? Let's go.



The Melancholy Princess (Part Two)


She sat for a long time, crying and whining and being generally pathetic. From the trees behind her, she heard a low growl. She turned mildly, blinking slowly. A great silvery wolf was poised amongst the trees peering at her. 




“Oh,” she said blandly. “Come to eat me, have you? Well, go ahead. It’s not as if I have anything to live for anyway.”
The wolf sat down and considered her carefully. “Not really the reaction I usually get, you know?” He said. 
“Yes,” said the princess, “but I imagine that you usually eat princess who have much more going for them.”




The wolf, in an act of great effort, rolled his eyes at her. “Well, really, your attitude makes this so much less satisfying. Nevermind.” He got up and began to leave.
“Right, of course,” she said angrily. “A stupid wolf won’t even eat me!” She began to sob again.
“Now stop that!” He said coming closer to her. 
“Go away!” She shouted, turning towards him sourly.
“If I might ask, what about your life is so terrible that you would be fine with becoming my breakfast?” The wolf sat down beside her.
“Everything!” she said pitifully.
“Come now, you are a princess, right? Your father is the king. You are rich and famous and beautiful…”
She sniffled. “You think I’m beautiful?”
“Well, yes,” the wolf said honestly, as contrary to belief, wolves are really quite honest. She reached over and stroked his gray fur. He looked at her warily but allowed her touch. “So, really, what is so terribly awful that you are wallowing alone in a forest?” The wolf asked.
“I am lonely,” she said, “No one loves me.”
“Oh, that,” he said. She whimpered and nuzzled against his warm fur. “Don’t cry,” he said. “I’ll keep you company.”




Come back next Thursday morning for the next installment!


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